REM-ories

REM has "called it a day" and I am calling up memories. My first listen was in the early '80s in Brothers' Tavern in Manhattan, Kansas. I thought I was so cool requesting all of the REM that the cute DJ was willing to play. It didn't hurt that he had a crush on my sister. She and I could go in the afternoon and listen to "Don't go Back to Rockville" and "So. Central Rain" in excess. We didn't sing along; who could? The mystique was that we were never quite certain of the lyrics. We set ourselves apart from the shit-kicking country crowds in Aggieville by embracing the alternative. I still feel apart from the crowd (unrealistically) in my fan-dom. I am no longer a young college girl searching for an alternative. I'm a mom in my 50th year alive and still affected by the voices and melodies of REM.


The cassette with Murmur on one side and Reckoning on the other kept me from extreme loneliness as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Kenya. In my house with no electricity and no running water, I at least had Michael Stipe's voice crooning me to sleep; when the batteries ran dry, a 3-mile walk to the town to buy more was no problem. Listening to the songs now can sometimes bring me back to that house. I danced alone and sang out loud in my African house. I wore out that tape, but I still have it. Endless hours of listening to "Pretty Persuasion" and "7 Chinese Brothers" were almost transcendent. In "Camera" when he sings, "Alone in a crowd," I would turn up that sad little cassette player as far as it would go without distortion and sing along. I am forever indebted to my friend Bob for making that tape for me.


When "Losing my Religion" was playing everywhere, I was teaching and living in New York City. Andreas and I had an apartment in Astoria, Queens; listening to REM was a respite from the Greek music of the family gatherings, the christenings and memorials, the family dinners. "Losing my Religion" is still a song I don't pass through on my Zune. 


If you ask my daughters their favorite REM song, they will probably say "Shiny Happy People." I played the entire Out of Time cassette in the car for them on our rides to and from day care and school. They would request "Shiny People" and I would always oblige. The REM cool does not fade. When they sang this song with the Muppets on Sesame Street, we were forever in love.


So many CDs and songs later, I still like listening to Automatic for the People in its entirety. "Night Swimming" is a song I prefer to listen to with no one home or in the car and very loud. It's not a rocker; it's a song that goes into my bones. "Everybody Hurts" can usually make me cry. 


I'm playing Reckoning now and "So. Central Rain" just came on. Gotta go. I think I might know all the words now. 

The New School Year

I look forward to the quiet when the kids go back to school, but there is a downside. I have to converse with myself and listen to the answers. I have to confront what I do and how I do it with myself and come up short. I have to accomplish things in bulk so that it looks as if my life is not worthless.

As each year goes by, my life doesn't change at the same rate as my children's. For the last few years, my life has been the same; the work and the play. Nothing much changes. Without change I feel as if a weight has been placed on my chest and each day the weight increases. Trying to change when others don't want or need it is near impossible.

Working from home is a blessing and a curse. The gods of motherhood are laughing at me.

Painting Rooms

Painting a room used to be much easier. Now that I am in the third month of my 50th year, it is much harder than I ever remember it. I used to look at a room, imagine the color, and paint it. No aching anything; today, every muscle and joint are announcing their existence to me through the pain receptors in my brain. Ibuprofen is my constant companion, and I feel ancient.

Yesterday, my twelve-year-old daughter, Talia, and I painted her room a beautiful blue. It is a Disney paint color, "Infinity and Beyond!" She wanted a dark blue for her Harry Potter background; the trim on the molding and radiators will be a deep Poppy. She has posters and decals for the walls that she can move around; she bought a Hogwarts banner and a sign proclaiming platform 9 3/4. I love it that she wanted to redecorate, but I had to let her know that, for me, it would be the last time I paint a room. Sad.

I didn't feel this much pain when we painted our kitchen a little over a year ago, but I was much younger, and not as close to 50.